Cold Nostalgia Chills Me To The Bone

The ugly truth of it all is that when I think back on the last few months, chills overtake me. I find it repugnant that I've been so weak and unable to compete with a walking checklist in his bed. In everyone's minds for that matter. It is no surprise to me that I don't add up to someone else's ideas of perfection. Adding up is not something I aim to do. I am myself, standing here naked for everyone to see. But what you see, or what you perceive yourself to see is about to change. I'm undergoing a makeover of sorts. It's time for me to reclaim myself for who I really am. To stand up for the person inside me that's been repressed into an inner sanctum of solitude. Monday is my starting point. The beginning of the rest of my life. A positive change is coming and get ready, because it's going to give you all a case of whiplash.

Update

So, my sabbatical has been working remarkably well. It has allowed me to really find some peace internally, which I am grateful to have come this far. I ran into "him" the other night and it was very civilized and I didn't have that burn inside me. That void that usually made me feel like I couldn't take my next breath. I was pleased, to say the least.

I do miss "him." But for other reasons. We used to have these excruciatingly deep conversation that would leave one of us in tears, but relieved. We could talk, uninterrupted, with our guards down about anything and everything. It was nice to have that kind of connection. I think our friendship could be totally salvaged, if we could have our friendship exist on a different plane, one that didn't involve our circle of friends. I know that's unrealistic, but I'm beginning to believe that nothing in life is impossible. However, I won't broach that subject with "him."  I'm content that way things are for the moment. I've also come to the conclusion that he wasn't the source of my stress, I was. Me and my crazy ideas and impressions. I needed a dose of reality.

So, in short, I'm doing quite well and things are looking up. Continuing to look forward to the future.

To Where I Don't Belong

Do you ever feel like you've entered into a place where you don't belong? That suddenly life doesn't make sense anymore? Things that were effortless have now become tiring and you're tired of fighting to breathe and just take the next step?

This is where I'm at today. There is just entirely too much negativity right now around me and in my interactions with people outside of my home. I never thought there would come a time when I would rather be sitting at home, couped up in the four walls of this house than anywhere else in the world. It's safe and non-threatening. I find so much peace here suddenly. When I walk out of my front door to go somewhere, lately, I become panic-stricken because I don't know what curve ball is coming next. At home, I can leave my phone in my room, turn off the computer, kick back, and just not think about anything or think about everything. I can go hours without having to interact with anyone if I want to with the simple shutting of a door.

Right now, "There's no place like home."

Today was all about a choice. Should I lose two friends to keep my sanity or force them to choose a side in a battle that neither should have been pulled into in the first place?

In all fairness, neither situation is fair to me or to them. Some people would say, if they were truly friends, then they would gladly walk away from the ones that are causing me grief. Some people would say that I should just man-up and deal with the problems. Some people say I should lay it all out for them and let them just decide what they want to do. My current thinking is that it is more of a noble act to take a step away from them to keep them from being in the cross-fire. I shouldn't expect them to give up a lifetime of friends over a situation that should have been kept between me and "him." That would be insincere and selfish of me, bottom line. It has become painfully obvious that everyone sending their negativity my way has no regard for the people they could hurt in the process and I should like to spare these two friends any heartache.

I would rather suffer and see my friends happy than to be happy and see my friends suffer. What does this make me? Where will this leave me? And why, for the life of me, does it have to be even a decision that's on the table to begin with?

To answer the last question is simple. There are those that have made it their life's work to deface and devalue me behind my back for no other reason that it's fun for them to see others in pain. Their masochistic views of the world around them have left them no where but in a constant battle for supremacy at the expense of my emotional well-being. I didn't ask for any of it directly, but maybe this is a culmination of many years of doing the same to people that didn't deserve it themselves. However, this doesn't make it any more right.

I have always been more likely to retaliate against an attack, put up my defenses and face everything head on. But with this situation, there is the distinct possibility that the path of devastation that could occur from this battle of wills is really not worth it. Other people being hurt because of my mistakes is not something I want to see anymore. Even those that would kick me while I'm down are forgiven and that is a swallowing of pride that I've never been able to attune my pallet to. Usually, I don't care enough about anyone to step aside and allow these things to occur, but now, slinking away into the shadows just seems to be the better alternative. Someone else can have the spotlight, because if it's going to burn this badly every time, then I don't want it on me EVER again. Never again, do I want to sit at a table with a collection of people and feel like I'm the big pink elephant in the room, the thing every one wants to talk about, but don't because they are afraid the elephant might hear. So instead, they all just play their hands behind my back and deal their blows from somewhere distant. This draws the fire from other people. Which, ultimately, is my goal.

The Word "Love"

"Little do men perceive what solitude is, and how far it extendeth. For a crowd is not company, and faces are but a gallery of pictures, and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love." Francis Bacon

Love is a necessary commodity that can't be bought. Loving ones family is a requirement and loving ones friends is a responsibility. What I don't understand is how freely people throw the word love around so much.
A great friend of mine had this conversation the other day regarding the word love and we are similar, in that, when we say that word to someone, we mean it. We don't just say it arbitrarily to people in our lives, we mean it within ourselves, deep down to our core.


When I tell someone that I love them, I try to emulate that feeling in my look and in the way I interact with them. I want them to truly see it, through my body language, tone of voice, and in my eyes that I mean it. That one phrase has the power to move mountains, has  caused wars, founded empires, and destroyed civilizations. The cornerstone of all humanity is love. So why do people act so leisurely about the use of the word?


I have used that word with 2 guys that I've been intimate with in my life and when I said, it couldn't have been more true. I have said, "I love you" to a total of 10 friends in my life and couldn't have meant it any more. Even after those relationships ended and I've separated with some of those people, the emotion itself remains and will always be there. 


So I issue this challenge - love harder, deeper, and longer than you ever dreamed and don't use the word unless you truly mean it. Tell those around you, the ones that you truly love, that you love them. Show them using yourself rather than using material representations. Let them feel your love. 

A String of Regrets

One who is injured ought not to return the injury, for on no account can it be right to do an injustice; and it is not right to return an injury, or to do evil to any man, however much we have suffered from him. - Socrates


Just when you need a swift kick in the ass, Socrates comes through. The final straw occurred last night. I'm still not completely sure of all of the details, and don't know that I want to remember them. All I know is that I want it all to go away and I am ready for a change and a departure from most everyone in my life; with a few obvious exceptions. 


I know that I have had a tendency to allow my emotions to get the best of me in times when I should have them in check, as illustrated in my previous post, but I didn't realize just how much these interferences were affecting the people that surround me. 


I have no idea ow to go back and change everything and make everything right among my friends and repair the damage that has already occurred, and I fear, it may be too late with several of them.


However, the aforementioned friends have made it clear that they will no longer tolerate my childishness and have made it known that it's time for me to get over "him" and move on with my life. However, I don't think they realize just how difficult this transition is going to be for me.


Let's think about it for a minute. We live in Jackson, MS where there are only 2 gay bars that just about everyone who is out in the community attends regularly. "He" and I have the same group of friends. Part of the group knows one side or the other, but only a select few know both sides and most of them don't care; they just want it over. The pool of men in Jackson is rather slim. I mean, especially when you consider that "he" and I have similar taste in guys (or so I thought). It seems like everyone in this town is attracted to "him" and I can totally see why. I mean, in all honesty, I can't say anything bad about the guy that's truthful. Instead, I resorted to malice, using my anger as the agent of communication. 


In doing so, I've created a rift among our friends that I'm entirely to blame for regardless of the point of view. I regret it, most definitely.


So, from this moment forward, I'm going to take the advice of Socrates and make certain that I act in a better manner of kindness towards everyone and try to put the past behind me and let "him" go. However, this will require most effort than my friends realize. This will require me to sit back and remain hidden in the shadows for a while. To take in the surrounding world and make a commitment to myself to do better with my emotions. 


I am above all of this I like to think. We will see how it goes over time. Maybe better than I could hope, maybe worse. I just hope everyone understands that this sabbatical is necessary. 

The First Mistake

He really did have me at hello. It was like he was bred to be the perfect illusion to my defenses. He walked in, wearing a blue fitted t-shirt; a gray, tattered, and dirt stained hat, tight dark jeans and boots. His smile was drew me in at first and tracing that smile back, it was clearly displayed in his deep, blue eyes. I was blinded by the beauty that stood before me. Beauty that should have warned me from the beginning to run away and yet it drew me in ever more.
The night was spectacular. At the end of a long night of pool, beer, conversation and laughter, he invited me home with him. I should have said no and my mind was telling me so, but my heart and body couldn't resist. Just being near him sent my blood rushing through my body and my breathing to increase in rate. He was a drug to me, and I was becoming addicted in that very moment. Little did I know that I would fight that addiction continuously for months to come.
Once we reached his place, the inevitable occurred. His body was magnificent. Not perfection, but close enough to cause me to have the need to catch my breath from seeing it illuminated in the soft life of the lamp on his bedside table. His hair was a dark brown and it coursed over his body in all the right places. Not to much, but just enough to create a perfect shadow over the right parts of his body. Thus making them all the more desirable. I couldn't believe my eyes and I couldn't believe my hands. The touch of his skin was hard and soft at the same time. It was unlike any man's I had ever felt and it was amazing.
Through the course of our love-making he said to me, "I don't want just a hook-up." In that moment, I was fully prepared to give myself to him one hundred percent and for reasons unknown to me. I was baffled and blinded as only he could do. I felt like I had just taken a long line of the most perfect cocaine in the world and I gave myself to him when I knew I shouldn't have. He had won me in a way that no one had ever done before. Not to mention that the sex was over-the-top spectacular.
This was my first mistake.

the way it works...

At work the other night some of my co-workers were talking about the differences in the gay and straight communities. Funny, they were all straight and they ALL had opinions about how we differ. Naturally, I had to enlighten them a little.

1. We really aren't all that different.
2. Well, there is that thing of 2 penises or 2 vaginas in 1 relationship. I know that's a tough one to comprehend.
3. Gay relationships aren't recognized as legal institutions but straight relationships (marriages) are.
4. Courting/dating takes place in vastly different ways. We have dating sites devoted strictly to finding a sexual partner for the night (i.e. Manhunt.net or adam4adam.com) and they are usually pretty effective.
5. Since most of us don't have children, we are usually more financially stable with better houses, cars, clothes, hair, skin, and overall level of extravagant living than you do. And even those of us without money, well, we still are better than you.
6. We are the ones that design the clothes you wear; decorate your houses so they look almost as good as ours; cut and color your hair so you don't continue to look like versions of Dolly Parton (circa Steel Magnolias - I love that move btw) or Billy Ray Cyrus (circa Achy Breaky Heart or pre-Miley's money); we make property values go up when we move into your neighborhoods, we determine what music and movies people will like and I could go on and on with this list.
7. We're snobby and everyone wants a "gay" as a friend, unfortunately, that's not always possible. Let's be realistic, we're better than you and we know it, therefore, you don't need to approach us unless you are the local equivalent to Paris Hilton and you are a good accessory to us.
8. History shows us that we are better at most things that straight people. I bet I could lace up and get a football in my hand, practice for 1 year and be just as good, if not better than most NFL players. This is because we are smarter than most.
9. Generally, we are beautiful people altogether more beautiful than 90% of the world's population.
10. Straight people secretly wish they were gay just because it's better.

Okay, if any of you believe any of that cattiness, come to Mississippi, because this isn't always the case. Unfortunately, our style of cooking spilled over into the gay community too. Waist lines are ever-expanding and it is not pretty. Some of the rules above do apply down here however, but everyone already knows what they are, so you can pick and choose real versus bullshit.

An Introduction

This blog is going to be a chronicle of my life. I doubt I will have daily updates, but only hope that I can at least write something. Every day holds a new lesson and I constantly have a great deal of thoughts about things in my head that I want to keep in some sort of recorded way. I don't have the most interesting life in the world, but to me, it is pretty good. I needed a place where I could vent, ponder, and write everything that has happened to me throughout my life or my perceptions of those events.

I have no delusions of grandeur. In fact I am almost 100% positive that this will continue to be a blog that remains unseen by majority of the people in the world. If someone stumbles upon my blog and likes what they have read, I hope they continue keeping up with me. I enjoy hearing people's opinions about things, especially constructive criticism.

So, here I am, about to spill my guts all over the internet. I'm seriously beginning to re-think posting a photo to my profile. Ha! No going back now, or I can label myself a coward for not facing the reality of all situations within my life.

So welcome all - TO MY LIFE.